I know parenthood is a huge change in lifestyle for all those concerned and when I was pregnant I was excited about that new lifestyle, and now it's the lifestyle I'm living I do really enjoy it. I never expected that parenthood would be my sole lifestyle though. Don't get me wrong, my son is the love of my life, and if I could I'd spend every one of his waking hours with him (well maybe not the 5am mornings) I would. I'm sad to leave him in the mornings, and glad to pick him up, despite his persistant attempts to drive me insane on the way to and from pre-school. Hey, some of the time I loose hours just watching him in awe. I just never anticipated the feeling of being trapped that being his sole-carer has given me.
I ran out of toilet paper the other night, and Kit was asleep, it's a bizarre set of emotions that goes through you when you realise that you don't have access to something that is pretty essential. Before I'd been so used to a lifestyle where if you wanted a chocolate bar you could pop across the road to the shop and get one, if you ran out of toilet roll you could pop to the shop and get some more, if you were invited out for a drink you could just up and go. The only thing stopping me from doing those things was me. Now, I can't, well I could, but it's not really that easy is it. I miss being able to be dis-organised and spontaneous!
I had a bit of time where on odd Mondays I was able to go for a quick drink after work, or pop to the supermarket alone, but ironically I was trapped out of my own flat at these times, and strangely enough Monday isn't the best party night, especially when you have a curfew of 10pm and live at least an hour away from any of your pre-child friends. The end of October brought a change for me. Quite a big one really. It has started to give me time for me. It doesn't ease the toilet roll traumas, but it does lessen the emotions around them. Every other Sunday, while Kit has fun with his dad and his half-brother and -sister, I can do all the things that I can't take a small child to. I can do the things that my small child doesn't enjoy doing. I can remember that I was someone before I had Kit, that he has made me a better person, but that there was a person there before and some of the bits about her were pretty good too. I still miss him like hell, and count down the hours until I get him back but when I do get him back I appreciate him that little bit more because I'm beginning to feel a little bit more me.